MY WIFE: episode two

CALISTA: it must be difficult for you being married in an Ibo family when you are Yoruba..

FUNMI: not really. Well, since I got married I haven’t actually had any problems with my in-laws. Not sure if it’s too early to say they are nice.

Calista: way too early. You’ve only been married for 4 months isn’t it?

Funmi: four days shy of four months

Calista: your marriage is still an embryo

Funmi: hehehehe! Excuse me, Cals I need to ring my husband now. He should be on break.

Calista: alright, hun

Funmi: (??????)

EBUKA: hello, sweetheart , you’re alright?

FUNMI: not really; I miss you?

EBUKA: I know you love this handsome Igbo prince. So how much do you miss him?

FUNMI: don’t you start feeling on top of the nation. Hahahaha! How has your day been so far?

EBUKA: well, busy as always. I’ve just rounded up a board meeting about 30 minutes ago. By the way! All the guys in the office love my shirt and want to know where I got it from, and I told them wifey got it for me. The single ones all want to get married now. Hahahaha!
Thanks, my beautiful!

FUNMI: that is what you get when you marry a Yoruba queen?

EBUKA: Hey! Don’t go there! Have you had something to eat yet?

FUNMI: no, we just went on break and I decided to ring you first before going out for lunch with Calista. So what would you like for supper? I finish at 4pm today so I’ll head straight to the market.

EBUKA: can we have amala today, please?

FUNMI: Oh! I forgot to mention! Kechi came this morning so I wouldn’t know if she would like it

EBUKA: Nkechi came? When? Is everything okay? How’s my mum??

FUNMI: she turned up while I was about leaving. She said everyone was okay

EBUKA: nah! This habit of showing up in my house when she likes has to stop. What does it take to send me a message that she is coming over! Anyway, I’ll have some serious conversation with her when I get home.
My family do not like Yoruba food at all, so Consider cooking rice or anything else then.

FUNMI: alright. Make sure you eat something as well.

EBUKA: I will, baby. I’ll love you and leave you now. Let me know when you are leaving and drive carefully.

FUNMI: I will. Love you.

EBUKA: love you too, baby. Bye!
????????????????

NKECHI: dede! You came back early!

EBUKA: it’s 5pm that’s my normal closing time. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming or Funmi?

NKECHI: I had no credit.

EBUKA: you were online on whatsapp this morning so don’t tell me you had no credit. Besides, I paid in three hundred thousand naira in your account on the 29th of March. So?

NKECHI: ?? but I can come to your house when I want!

EBUKA: Nkechi, I hope you haven’t been too spoilt that you no longer have manners. Common sense should tell you that I am married now and some things may change! How is mama?

NKECHI: I don’t know!

EBUKA: meaning???

NKECHI: I came straight from Portharcourt!

EBUKA: how was your exams?

NKECHI: don’t ask me!?

EBUKA: I haven’t got your time. I’m tired and hungry. Sweetheart! Sweetheart I’m home!

FUNMI: (from the kitchen) registered! Welcome, darling. Go have your shower and food will be ready before you are out

EBUKA: not even a hug. She just asked me to go and shower as if I stink. Where is the Love baby, where is the Love???

FUNMI: Oh no! Baby. I’m all sweaty and greasy. giving you a hug would ruin your clothes

EBUKA: not sure banking was the right profession for you. You should have studied law

FUNMI: hahahahahaha!!!????

NKECHI: (mumbles) always loud and lousy! Mtcheeeew!

FUNMI: Kechi! Kechi! Kechi!

EBUKA: Nkechi!!! Can’t you hear Funmi!!!

NKECHI: I can hear her but she isn’t calling my name because my name is not Kechi. My name is Nkechi!

FUNMI: what’s the difference!

NKECHI: the difference is that Nkechi means God’s own while Kechi has no meaning! If you are going to marry an Igbo man, your first assignment should have been to learn the Igbo language and not to learn how !

FUNMI: hehehehe! Nkechi, I am only 4 months in marriage. I’ll learn your language if you give me some time, madam!?

NKECHI: whatever!

EBUKA: watch it!!! Gini na eme gi!!!(what’s wrong with you)

NKECHI: dede hapum aka biko! (Brother, Leave me alone, please!)

FUNMI: anyways, I was calling to let you know that food is ready. You can serve yourself when you are ready to eat

1. 
   

NKECHI: Heard!

To be continued…

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MY WIFE: EPISODE 1

Nkechi: is anyone home! Dede! Dede!

Funmi: coming! Who is It?(opens the door)
Lord! Kechi, is everything Okay??

Nkechi: everything is okay. Why?

Funmi: we weren’t expecting you…

Nkechi: Oh! Sorry I forgot I need to send you a special notice before I visit my brother’s house . Can I go in please!

Funmi: I didn’t mean it that way. Just thought it would have been nice to let us know you were on your way. You nearly missed me.

Nkechi: that wouldn’t be a problem because I haven’t come to see you. Where’s is my brother ?

Funmi: please come in. He’s gone to work and I was just about leaving when I heard the knock on the door

Nkechi: so why is his car here? Did he buy a new car.

Funmi: erm, actually, on Mondays, he lets me use the car. So he went by public transport.

Nkechi: interesting! He leaves the car for you…I see.

Funmi: erm, sorry Kechi but I need to leave now because I’m running late already. I didn’t know you were coming I would have made you something. Have this one thousand naira; you can use it to get a plate of rice from the woman who cooks down the road.
When I come back, I’ll cook

Nkechi: so there is no food in the house. What did my brother eat before going to work?

Funmi: Kechi, your brother has never been a breakfast person.

Nkechi: says who!

Funmi: well, for as long as I have known him

Nkechi: it is better to shut up than say what you are unsure of. The brother that I grew up with not a breakfast person? You must know your husband so well, don’t You!
Please drop the money on the table there and leave.

Funmi: what’s with the attitude, Kechi?

Nkechi: Oh tell me more about attitude! You left me out there screaming like a mad woman for over an hour, banging on the gate and you are here talking about attitude??? Really!

Funmi: there’s no way you would have knocked for that long. I was getting dressed! You don’t expect me to come get the door half naked. For all I care, it could have been anyone since you never told us you were coming!

Nkechi: enough please! I thought you said you were running late! Please leave and shut the door behind you…. To be continued....

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*The Stalker ~Episode 2*

Griiiing!!! My eyes snapped open but I couldn’t see anything. The ringing was not stopping too. And I had no idea where I was. I reached my hand to where the ringing was coming from. I didn’t find anything. Where was I? Then my hand struck something, something soft. It was also big, I couldn’t reach the end of it.
“What are you doing?” a voice said and I froze. I heard a movement beside me and light suddenly flooded the room. I looked around me and everything made sense.; I was in Dupe’s hostel. Dave had brought me here last night, it was the closest to class.
“It’s five o’clock in the morning,” Dupe lamented.
“I don’t want to be awake now. Please shut up that ringing phone.” I searched around the bed until I found my phone and put off the alarm. Dupe had had her sleep disturbed twice and she didn’t love it. It was still dark outside but it was better if I left for my hostel. I couldn’t sleep past five anyway, there was no point trying.
”I’m sorry Dupe, I will be leaving for my hostel now.” I said and began to pack my books. She nodded and sat at the edge of the bed.
“Why did you come here last night anyway? You’ve never slept in anybody else’s room but yours in four years, so why today?” I considered telling her about the guy I met in the class but she would only laugh and spread the story, it would not do me a bit of good.
”I left the class late and I decided to stay here instead.” I said, avoiding her gaze. She looked closer at me, she knew I was hiding something.
“Wait a minute, were you with a guy? Did you finally say ‘yes’ to Dave?” She said, jumping off the bed with a huge smile. Nothing would please Dupe more than to hear I was in a relationship and it would surely stop further questions about why I was in her room.
“Well, it was Dave who brought me here but it doesn’t mean I have said yes to him.” I said, faking a smile. Now I was eager to leave her room.
“Oh my God, who knew Dave would be the Prince Charming who breaks through the thick wall of thorns.” She said in a sing-song voice.
“Okay, I have to go now. Sorry I disturbed your sleep, I’ll see you in class.” I said and slipped through the door before she could say anything else.
The cool breeze outside hit my face and for a second I considered retreating into the warmth of Dupe’s room. I resisted the temptation and walked on. I wondered at Dupe’s joy at my supposed approval of Dave’s proposal. I didn’t need a boyfriend, not yet, and I told Dave that already. I liked him, he was probably the only one I could date in the school. Well, apart from Segun who was my friend and Dupe’s boyfriend. I had often fantasized about Segun asking me out but then he asked my friend and so I had concluded; no boys for me till graduation. Even though she never admitted it, Dupe still felt a little threatened by me. Saying ‘yes’ to Dave would put that fear to rest.
“Hey you!” A voice called out as I approached the Hostel exit. It was one of the porters. I had slipped past them the night before. I stopped and the woman approached me. My palms were already wet with sweat- I didn’t break the law very often and lying wasn’t my best talent.
“Where you dey go this early mor mor?” She asked, flashing light on my face.
“I’m going to class.” I replied.
“Na your hostel be this? I never see you here before.” She said looking me over.
“Yes ma.” She didn’t seem to believe me, she kept the light on me.
“Mama Alice, come see something.” Another porter called her. Momentarily she took the light off my face and I saw something on the wall.
“This poster no dey here last night o.” The other porter continued. The poster had caught my attention too. There was something familiar about it.
 “Oya you, dey go your class. I no know wetin you dey read for early morning sef.” She said and left. I wanted to look at the poster but I hurried off. I walked as fast as I could and soon I was in my room. My roommates assumed I had been reading all night and didn’t ask questions. Maybe it was the experience of the previous night or the early morning walk but I was on my bed and asleep in ten minutes.

For the second time that morning, my ringing phone woke me up. This time it was a call – from Dupe. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. She called about five times before she gave up. A sixth call came in though and this time it was my project supervisor. I picked at first ring.
“Hello sir.” I answered.
“Weren’t you supposed to see me this morning?” He asked.
“Yes sir, by 9 sir.” I looked at my watch, it was 8:50!
“You are always early, I assumed you would be today.” He said.
“I’m sorry sir, I will be there very soon.” i punched myself. How could I have slept off?
“Say hello to your lover and tell him posters all over the school was more littering than romantic.” He said and ended the call.
My lover?What lover was he talking about? And posters all over the school? Oh my God! What was on the poster I had seen earlier that morning? I dialled Dupe’s number immediately. I paced in my room as I waited for her to pick, she didn’t. Oh no, please God let me be wrong. I redialled the number. She answered.
“I’ve called you several times, why haven’t you been picking?”
“Sorry, but what’s going on?” I asked.
“I have to go, my lecturer just entered the class. I’ll be done in one hour, we need to talk o. Dave has a surprise for you.” She said and ended the call.
Dave has a surprise for me? So it wasn’t about a poster? I wasn’t relieved though, not yet, I needed to get into school immediately. I rushed into the bathroom and I was out in five minutes – it had never happened but these were not ordinary times. I dressed up, hurriedly applied my makeup and ran towards the hostel gate.
“Wait, come here.” I heard my hostel porter call but I ignored her.
“Good morning.” A girl greeted me as I walked through the gate. I nodded in reply. I didn’t know her, and was she laughing? I walked as fast as I could. I didn’t know if it was paranoia but I felt like everybody I walked past was looking at me. Finally I got to my department and now I was sure it wasn’t paranoia; people were looking at me. Some even pointed! What was going on? I saw a group of people gathered around the notice board. Somehow I knew there laid the answer to my confusion. I walked close and then I saw it! Oh no, I gasped. There was a collage of several pictures of me with the words –“Unilag’s Most Beautiful!” I almost fell as my wobbly legs hurried away from the poster. But it wasn’t the only one! I saw another and another as I made my escape!
“Where are you going?” I turned around and saw Dupe. I’d never been more pleased to see her in my life.
“Have you seen the poster?” I asked.
“That was romantic of Dave, I’m so jealous.” She said with a huge smile. ”
“What? That wasn’t romantic! And it wasn’t Dave.” I told her all that had happened the night before.
“What are you going to do?” She asked. I had no idea what I would do. But I was sure of one thing, it had to stop, now! I had to find this guy.
“If you say you don’t know him, how did he get all these pictures?” Dupe asked. That was true. Some of them were taken from close range.
“Check this; the picture is on Twitter already. Babes, looks like you’re trending!” Dupe said, giddy with excitement. I shook my head and looked at the picture again. I looked at each one carefully.
“Dupe, look at this picture, that was our departmental dinner.”
“If he took a picture there, he must be a member of our department. The question is what level?” Well, that narrows it down to a few thousands. My phone rang, I took it from my bag, praying it wasn’t ‘him’. I wasn’t ready to confront him. It was my supervisor!
“Hello sir, I’m sorry, I’m in school already. I will be in your office in a minute.” I said before he said anything.
“You’d better be.” He said and ended the call. My phone rang again. It was a text this time.
I love you and the whole world will know it. Do you like the pictures? This is just the beginning!–Your secret lover. . . . . .

The Stalker~Episode 1
I was alone in class that cold night. I was reading but the cold was starting to get to me and yes sleep too was catching on. I had dozed off for about a minute when I heard a creek in the room, my eyes snapped open! What was that? I grabbed my lamp and flashed it around the room, there was nothing. I sighed. I needed to stop reading alone in the dark. I pulled my sweater tighter and tried to concentrate on CPT 424. Four years of reading alone got me where I was- 1st Class. I had just turned a fresh page when I felt a tap on my shoulders. I jumped! My lamp fell and went off. I died, well almost died. I rummaged on the floor feeling for my lamp.
Whooosh!Light came, on shinning on my face. I shut my eyes, my heart thumping.
“Are you looking for this?” A voice came from behind the lamp. I shielded my eyes with my hand and reached for my lamp. He set the lamp down, the light still on my face. I tried to move, but it was as if my legs were glued to the ground, I couldn’t.
“Can I borrow your USB cord? My phone is dying.” He said. I tried to see his face, but it was perfectly hidden in the shadows.
“I’m sorry…my phone,” I swallowed.
“My phone is charging…maybe later.” I was getting out as soon as he left. Just go away!My mind screamed but my mouth wasn’t moving, neither was he. He moved closer to my table.
“How’s your project going? Are you done with your coding?” He asked. I hadn’t but I wasn’t going to discuss that with him.
“I’m sorry but I really have a lot to do.” I said hoping he would leave. He didn’t. Now I was getting really worried. I was on the fourth floor of the building, nobody would hear if I screamed. I was vulnerable and my trembling lips were not helping.
“Okay.” He said, turned around and walked away. I almost collapsed with relief. But then he paused and sat at the back of the class. I stood and waited, he wasn’t going to leave? I was supposed to just continue reading with his eyes boring holes into my neck? No, I would not be held hostage by my fear. This guy whoever he was, was yet to make a move to harm me, why was so I afraid?
“Excuse me, you cannot…” I started to say, then my phone rang. I stopped and looked at it; Segun. I tapped the answer button.
“Hello Segun, where have you been?” I whispered. I looked at ‘my visitor’, I still felt his stare. I had to leave the room.
“Segun, hold on.” I held my phone tightly and hurried towards the door. ‘Oh God, don’t let him follow me,’ I prayed
.”Should I wait?” I heard him call from behind the room. I opened the door and ran across the corridor to the stairs. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs breathless. I had run down four flights of stairs, now I hoped he had not followed.
“Hello Segun, are you still there?” I asked. My head swooned, I was exhausted.
“What the heck was that?” Segun replied.
“Where are you?” I asked, ignoring his question.
“Come to the Lab now please, come now.”
“Why? you’re scaring me.” He said. I told him everything as quickly as I could and I asked him again to come get me.
“Sorry, but I’m not in school” He answered. “And you left your stuff upstairs?” He asked. I sighed, I had only wanted to get out as fast as I could. I’ll have to go back
“I’ll send Dave, he’ll help you get your stuff. In the meantime, just sit tight.” I nodded and ended the call. Now, I waited. I stayed in the shadows where hopefully I wouldn’t be seen. I looked at my watch for the hundredth time.Where was Dave?The night was crazy quiet, it was scary. I had never noticed how deserted my department was at night, as much as I saw it now. Nobody else read here at night, it was too far from the hostels. I always thought no harm could come from solitude; how foolish.
I looked at my watch again. Where was…David?Iheard a movement to my left and I paused. Who was that? Dave? It was about time. I stood still and held my breath. And then I saw the figure approach. Was it Dave? He stepped into the light – it wasn’t Dave! For the first time I saw his face! There was nothing spectacular about it; maybe it was the ordinariness that scared me. I looked away from his face. He had a presence around him that scared me. He looked harmless yet deadly, warm yet cold.
“Why are you standing alone in the dark?” His voice pierced through the night. I sighed and came out from my hiding spot.
“I’m waiting for a friend,” I said, avoiding his stare
. “He…they actually, four of them, all guys, are coming to meet me here.” He didn’t seem to notice my not so veiled threat. He smiled and moved close to me. I stepped back and closed my eyes. I waited but nothing happened. Slowly I opened my eyes – he was gone! I sighed and tried to calm my trembling fingers. Should I run? He could be back. I still had my stuff in the classroom, a long dark flight of stairs away. Dave, where are you?! I shoved my hands into my pockets. My hand hit something and I removed it. It was a piece of cardboard – no a handmade card.Don’t open it!My head screamed. It was just a card, what was the worst that could happen? Killed by a card bomb? I opened the card, away from my face; no use taking chances. It was a love card –the several red roses said that much. I held it to the light and read. “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. My love for you will never die, You’re my true love.” I burst out laughing before I could stop myself. Was that a poem?
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“What’s so funny?” A voice said and I froze. Oh my God! “I don’t understand, but I thought you were scared, now you’re laughing?” It was Dave! I jumped and hugged him very tight.
“Why didn’t you do that two weeks ago when I asked you out?” Dave asked. I punched him lightly on the shoulder and exhaled, relieved. Dave asked for what had happened and I told him. He laughed and laughed, I couldn’t believe I had been so scared either.
“The guy is guilty of nothing but creepiness and bad poetry.” Dave said.
“You probably won’t see him again.” Amen! I whispered.
“Now, let’s go get your stuff.” Dave said but I did not move. I wasn’t ready to go up that staircase, not yet. Dave understood and he went to get my things. I paced as I waited. Dave started to take too long, I became nervous again. My phone rang, I brought it out and looked -it was an unknown number. It could be my creepy admirer.
“Good evening.” I said.
“I thought you said ‘no’ to him,” It was him!
“What is he doing with you?
”Oh my God, how did he know? Was he close by?
“And you laughed at my poem? I have loved you for four years and I finally tell you and you laugh at me?” he continued. I racked my brain for a sane reply but my First Class brain let me down; I had nothing!
“Erm, I’m sorry”, I finally mumbled.
“It’s okay, I forgive you.” He said, chuckled and continued.
 “Our first fight already? I guess the best couples fight early. I am glad we finally met today after all these years. I got tired of our long-distance relationship. So, see you tomorrow?” I wanted to scream for him to leave me alone, but my tongue refused to move.
“See you tomorrow then.” He said and ended the call. My fingers trembled as I slid the phone off my face. What I had gotten into?
“Are you okay?” Dave was back.
“Yes.” I nodded.
“I think you should see this.” He said. On my laptop screen was a collage of about 30 pictures of me, pictures I’d never seen. Under it was a caption. ‘We will be together forever, I promise.’ And that was how it started!

...to be continued in the evening

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